My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize