Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I did not marry a roomba.
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