coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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