Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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