I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
