a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize