I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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