Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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