just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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