If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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