Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
