i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize