u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize