I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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