My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
