He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
