I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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