My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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