Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
