we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
