So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize