my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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