She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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