i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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