my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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