Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize