I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
