My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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