Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
