I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
