I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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