i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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