the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
