:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
