Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
