a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
