now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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