he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
