tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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