God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
