If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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