I think I died a long time ago.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
