Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
