Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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