Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
