Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
