Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
