I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
