what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize