I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
