i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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