Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
