Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize