My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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