I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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