I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
