its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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